Saturday 7 April 2007
From bad to worse
I didn’t believe in God. I had been an atheist for years. People suggested I pray. I thought the idea of praying to a God that I didn’t believe in to be silly, to say the least. Although I visited Sean’s grave, I found no comfort there as his family seemed to do. I ended up wanting to believe in God, but felt it wasn’t an option open to me. Either you believe, or you don’t. How can you make yourself believe in God? It never seemed to be a matter of choice to me and therefore it was a luxury I didn’t have.
When I met Sean, his family and I got on extremely well. On the most part they accepted me into their lives and we became friends. His mother in particular was very good to me and from the outset we developed a strong mother/daughter relationship. This friendship continued after Sean died and if anything, because of Sean’s death, we became closer. We spent a lot of time together and both of us doted on the child.
Almost two hellish years had passed. I found that things were getting worse rather than better. People expected me to be over Sean’s death a long time before this. I started to go to a bereavement group once a month and found that, rather than being abnormal, I was feeling just the same as any other person under the circumstances. The people there were wonderful, kind and understanding. We all helped one another and soon after this I started to let go of Sean, and once again began to look forward.