Thursday 5 April 2007

Is there anyone listening?

With these thoughts I spoke out loud and said, ‘I don’t care, I don’t care if there is a God and if You hear me, what is the point of living this life and not caring for anybody? What is the point in living this long life and not being able to mix and share with people? I don’t care if You are there, I wish I were never born…. I wish I were never born’. I was crying and I just said these things out loud. Whatever little bit of faith I had left in the human race deserted me at this time. I hated the world and everything to do with it. I wanted out. It’s hard to admit it now, but right then, what went through my mind was the need for everything to stop, I wanted to end my life. It was really then that the full horror of my situation hit me. I wasn’t going anywhere because I had my son Sean to care for. I couldn’t leave him and make him an orphan with no father or mother. I felt trapped. Whatever lows I had reached up to this point in my life, this was the worst, and I knew I had hit rock bottom.

When Dave and I broke up I thought of God, I thought of seeing if He was really there, but put Him out of my mind. I wasn't gong to turn religious just becasue I hit hard times.

When Sean died I thought of God, again I thought of seeing if He really was there, but by that stage I had hardened myself so much against the idea of their being a God that it just wasn't an option.

This time I thought of God and I was angry. Oh, I turned to Him alright, and it's a great wonder to me that He didn't cast me into the pits of hell for the way I gave out to Him and challenged Him that night. I will be forever grateful for the great long suffering, love and pity that He showed me that night.

Moments later, my sister Caroline phoned me. Although she had no idea what was going on, or how I was feeling at that moment, she spent two hours talking to me about some of the very things that were causing me problems. I was very glad to hear from her and felt much better afterwards. A chain of events had begun that would change my life from that time onwards, that looking back on, I find amazing! Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but at that time I had no idea what was happening to me or what the outcome would be.

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