Sean & Sean

It was around this time that I met Sean. I could hardly believe it possible that I met him! I was sure I would never love someone else again. I thought that you were blessed if you met one person in your life that you loved and loved you back, as was the case with me and Dave, and here I was being given a second chance! We started to date and eventually got engaged to be married. We bought an old house together in Newry and spent many happy times fixing it up, just as we wanted it. We made great plans for our wedding and the future, and started to plan for a family. We loved each other very much and were very happy together.

Early one Sunday morninf Sean’s cousins came to our home and told me that Sean had died in a car crash. There is no explaining how one feels under these circumstances. If you have lost someone close to you, well, you have an idea of how I felt at the time. If not, I am afraid I can’t explain it to you.

I was six months pregnant with our baby, our baby that we had planned for and eagerly waited for, when Sean died. I had our son, Sean, on the due date, exactly twelve weeks after his father’s death. I must say it was the most bittersweet experience of my life. I expected him to be wrinkly and red and very unlike anybody, neither his father nor me. But when he arrived he was spotlessly clean and the image of his father, just like a little man, a little Sean! It was very hard on us all. When Sean died I was afraid I would miscarry our baby if I grieved and cried too much, so I kept it in as best as I could, thinking that, when the child was born, I could let it all out. In reality, when Sean was born I was very afraid that I would suffer from postnatal depression, so I kept as tight a rein over my emotions as I could and got on with caring for my new son.
It’s an awful thing to think that someone who has died might be beside you, and that you can’t touch them or hold them. People said to me, ‘He is looking down on you both, he’s minding you both’. Just as I was about to give birth to my son, the Sister in the Hospital, who was present for the birth said, ‘Sure, he’ll be the baby’s Guardian Angel’. I didn’t want him to be the baby’s Guardian Angel. I wanted him here, with me, to be a father to his own son, to be my husband. This kind of talk just tormented me.
Things were very difficult for me. Naturally I spent a lot of time with Sean's family and we shared our grief. For some time I was getting on what I thought was well with most of his family, but after a while things began to become increasingly difficult for me. Resentment from his family started to show. His mothr belittled me, made me feel like I was minding the baby for her. She was controllig in her manner towards me as she had done with her son and other children. One time she held my little Sean in her arms and told me in front of my friends who were visiting from Dublin, " I wish you were dead and Sean was mine." Another time she treathened to have me shot by her 'friends' if I took Sean back over the border into the south of Ireland while my own sister sat there listning to her in astonishment. Things got from bad to worse and I felt trapped. People thought I should be getting over Sean's death but I was having difficuilty doing that, and little wonder with a baby and experiencing so much hostility so I started to go to grief councilling which helped. Eventually things started to look up and after two years I men a man called Michael. I didn't know it at the time but he was not only a Republican but a fairly notorious member of the terriorist group, the IRA. I liked him and he liked me and we started to date. He had very little to do with me and Sean in our home and mostly we just went out on dates. When I found out about his background, to tell you the truth, it didn't bother me too much. I felt as long as I was his woman, I was safe.