Sunday 8 April 2007

Sean & Sean

It was then that I met Sean. I could hardly believe it possible that I met him! I was sure I would never love someone else again. I thought that you were blessed if you met one person in your life that you loved and loved you back, as was the case with Dave and me, and here I was being given a second chance! We started to date and eventually got engaged to be married. We bought an old house together in Newry and spent many happy times fixing it up, just as we wanted it. We made great plans for our wedding and the future, and started to plan for a family. We loved each other very much and were very happy together.

On a Sunday, Sean’s cousins came to our home and told me that Sean had died in a car crash. There is no explaining how one feels under these circumstances. If you have lost someone close to you, well, you have an idea of how I felt at the time. If not, I am afraid I can’t explain it to you.

I was six months pregnant with our baby, our baby that we had planned for and eagerly waited for, when Sean died. I had our son, Sean, on the due date, exactly twelve weeks after his father’s death. I must say it was the most bittersweet experience of my life. I expected him to be wrinkly and red and very unlike anybody, neither his father nor me. But when he arrived he was spotlessly clean and the image of his father, just like a little man, a little Sean! It was very hard on us all. When Sean died I was afraid I would miscarry our baby if I grieved and cried too much, so I kept it in as best as I could, thinking that, when the child was born, I could let it all out. In reality, when Sean was born I was very afraid that I would suffer from postnatal depression, so I kept as tight a rein over my emotions as I could and got on with caring for my new son.
It’s an awful thing to think that someone who has died might be beside you, and that you can’t touch them or hold them. People said to me, ‘He is looking down on you both, he’s minding you both’. Just as I was about to give birth to my son, the Sister in the Hospital, who was present for the birth said, ‘Sure, he’ll be the baby’s Guardian Angel’. I didn’t want him to be the baby’s Guardian Angel. I wanted him here, with me, to be a father to his own son, to be my husband. This kind of talk just tormented me.
At one time I stood looking at his grave, staring at it. I wanted to dig him up with my bare hands. I was so angry at him for leaving me, leaving me pregnant and on my own. I just wanted to dig right down to the coffin with my bare hands and drag him out and scream at him.

No comments: